“…i’m sorry if my heart breaking ruined your day…”

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“oh, well, sometimes it be that way.

i said, oh, well, i’ve got nothing left to sell…

this love was a bell that rang unheard in the air…

i was bound to find out that you didn’t care

i said, oh well, sometimes it be that way.

*

now, {romeo} was a very nice man

he said, “yvonne, i don’t think you quite understand...”

well, i’m sorry you had to explain it like this

i’m sorry i was a point you were destined to miss…

and i’m sorry if my heart breaking ruined your day.

oh well, sometimes it be that way.”

*

thanQ, jewel, for writing that, and so many other lyrics that bring it home for me.

i am writing from a deep, dark, paralyzed place in my soul. my friend jonathan says that writing is cathartic, that i should put my feelings down to come to some sort of a place of healing and strength. jonathan, thank you for somehow knowing me so much better than even i know myself. i am working towards that seemingly monumental task. i thought returning all things my lover had ever given me would be cleansing and help me to gain some sense of closure. unfortunately, a shadow of him remains just about everywhere.

at this point i am struggling just to breathe. reviewing and analyzing things said, cherished memories, thoughts, the drama and passion, events and feelings. over one year of waiting and wondering, guessing and hoping that this union was going to come to something even more precious and meaningful. giving so much space, not wanting to ask the important questions….and hanging on to every detail rather than communicating.

i am moving through the sludge that is described as the five stages of grief; numb and limping through these days, lost and heartbroken. all advice and words meant to comfort and soothe bounce off me and seem trite. i am hanging on to the suffering i believe is necessary to move forward and come out of this, somehow, emotionally intact, with my capacity for love and hope and {maybe even} trust undiminished. this, i know, is a tall order. now the important goals are breathing, eating and sleeping. {my body – such an amazing machine – is fighting to maintain homeostasis, or, a dynamic state of equilibrium.} to not wake up crying. continuing to be a good momma to my boy. not looking for parallels and hidden meaning in every song and photograph. not questioning my worthiness of being loved. of being lovable. not ruminating and re-living the months and months of what i thought to be love. not reviewing my age, life expectancy….and comparing everyone else to that beautiful man, and all that we shared, personally and professionally. 

lost, grieving and filled with pain,

broken, hollow,

emptY-vonne

THIS TREMENDOUS LOSS ON THE HEELS OF THE TREE BREAKING MY HOUSE ON 28 JUNE, MY TRUCK BREAKING DOWN, PEOPLE BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE, AND STILL LIVING IN A HOTEL 30+ DAYS AFTER THE MICROBURST, AND STILL NO RECONSTRUCTION IN PROGRESS….GODDAMN, I SHOULD WRITE ME A COUNTRY SONG! {tiny smile.}

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8 Responses to ““…i’m sorry if my heart breaking ruined your day…””

  1. this reminds me of a line from the now-defunct sitcom, “ally mcbeal.” when asked, “ally, why do you think YOUR problems are so much more important than anyone else’s?”….ally (calista flockheart) deadpans, “because they’re MINE.”

  2. Shallow Ang: i won’t even dignify the contents of your comment by posting it. i understand you’re coming from a place of profound grief and loss. but KNOW THIS: each individual’s perception of pain and loss is very real to them. i didn’t realize this was a contest, and i didn’t realize YOU were The One who validated others’ grief. to be brutally honest: i am pretty saturated with people telling me how PHUCKING LUCKY I AM….i got it.

    …and if your tirade came from a place of “love” for me, i’d have to surmise that you wouldn’t recognize love if it smacked you upside the head. hard.

    aw, PHUCK! there i go again…lowering myself to a level of ignorance.

    have a nice day….somewhere else.

  3. much love to candice at famous footwear at the auburn mall. you know why.
    amazed,
    yvonne

  4. Yvonne dear,
    You must keep the faith, hard as it seems.
    I know, easier said than done.
    You are in my prayers, believe me.
    I’ll leave you with an attempt at a smile:

    q: What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

    a: you get your house back, your car back, your dog back . . . 😉

    be safe, be well . . .
    ~m

    ps. thank God for shoes, huh? :0)

    *
    REPLY:
    thanQ, m squared!
    still waiting for my epiphany. still living in the hotel, 6 weeks later.
    would be insanely happy just to have the man back…phuck the house and the car {giggle.}
    i will post anew soon, i promise. i am waiting for some inspiration.

    p.s. recently scored a defibrillator trainer….let’s do it!
    thanks for dropping by.
    love and peace,
    y

  5. I commented on this. Hmmm.
    I think the grey matter is going . . .
    ~m

    *
    REPLY:

    aye, i’m thinking it’s the phucking hippocampus you should be concernin’ yerself with….LOL.
    i’m right there with you, m squared.
    my memory is approximately 3 seconds long these days.
    🙂 -y

  6. Rogue Angel Says:

    ….you are amazing……..even if you cannot see it.

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