T G I F

 

1. YOU SHOULDN’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS, AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
 
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
 
3. IS ATHEISM A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION?
 
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
 
5. IS THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE?
6. IF I GO TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASK  ‘WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION? THEY SHOULD TELL ME TO HELP MYSELF…RIGHT?

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO HARM HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

 

 

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO ‘GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?’

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE  WILL CLEAN THEM?

15B. SHOULDN’T THEY ATTACH SOMETHING BIGGER THAN A BIG WOODEN HANDLE OR BRICK THAT WON’T FIT IN YOUR CAR??

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE..

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE AN ‘S’ IN IT?

 

 

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED ‘HEMORRHOIDS’ INSTEAD OF ‘ASSTEROIDS’?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM — DUH?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

 

 

 

 

 

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3 Responses to “T G I F”

  1. LMFAO.

    Needed this tonight. I really did.
    See you Weds, Y
    ~m

    * REPLY:

    happy to help coax a smile onto that face;
    it wounds me when you are troubled.
    these one-liners kinda remind me of steven wright, even george carlin’s stuff

    wednesday it is! bring music…
    – whyvonne

  2. 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

    The same thing that it is now 🙂

    *

    REPLY:

    yeah…
    {now i’m not really even sure what that means}…giggle
    – WHYvonne

  3. Thanks, I needed a laugh
    oh. and I like petting the sweaty things
    he he
    34 why do they put locks on convenience stores if they are open 24 hours a day?
    35 why do they call them apartments if they are all stuck together?
    36 if a cop pulls you over for speeding and says “don’t you know the speed limit is 45 MPH?” can you say “but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”?

    *

    REPLY:
    excellent 🙂
    mmm…petting {heh, heh}
    always a pleasure hearing your voice

    – y

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