Archive for the shades of grey Category

dear mom,

Posted in a series of unfortunate events, acts of nature, bewilderness, changes, crossing over, growth & change, heartache, herself, inner peace, love, mindphuck, my inner child, shades of grey, silence, the blues, the burdens of being upright, the darkness on May 13, 2013 by whyvonne

yesterday was Mother’s Day; tomorrow would have been your 75th birthday.

I stood at your gravesite yesterday, and marveled at how lost I felt.

you’ve only been Gone From Me for 122 days. not that I’m counting…but it seems a marker…a placeholder in my life, to gauge the passage of time.

mine is a Complicated Grief, they tell me…since ours was a Complicated Relationship. when you Crossed Over, any hope of us ever having a true, nurturing relationship, died with you.

I keep trying to remind myself that yours was not an easy life…in part because you suffered through so many tragedies at so young an age: with John dying, then baby Shawn, and your father, all within 2 years of each other. such a huge series of losses…and I believe you were only 27. also in part because you chose such an unhappy path, and many unhealthy life choices. it is not my place to judge you, but you HAVE TO KNOW that I was always THAT GIRL, standing, stuck, in the greeting card aisle year after year on Mother’s Day…at a loss since Hallmark didn’t produce cards that spoke my truth.

life is complicated, and messy, and God knows all that and loves us anyway. I am sad that you never sought professional grief counseling after your Trinity of Loss. I am angry that you sought solace in drink, and couldn’t see the pain and devastation you wrought. I am bereft that you couldn’t be the Mother that I needed….ever.

but today, I am just crestfallen that this little girl doesn’t have her Mama anymore.

love, and peace,
yvonne elizabeth

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you.

Posted in bewilderness, growth & change, heartache, love, shades of grey, stirring of the soul, trust on September 26, 2008 by whyvonne


eyes wide shut
narrowing my world
til only you shine through

a sliver of light
illuminating
my heart in blue

closing every door
except those
i leave open

…only for you.

wherever you go, there you are…

Posted in bewilderness, growth & change, heartache, herself, inner peace, love, my inner child, shades of grey, survivors, tales of my sanity have been greatly exaggerated, the blues, the burdens of being upright, the darkness, trust, Uncategorized, W T F ? on August 8, 2008 by whyvonne

there’s an elephant in my living room!
{her name is MissTrust}
i try to lead her gently out the back door,
but she won’t budge.

i step around her gingerly,
and sometimes make believe she isn’t there.
but there she remains…

she has grown quite fat
over the years,
for so many have fed her,
unknowingly – unwittingly;
 without discretion or reservation.

she feels very comfortable here now,
welcome and nurtured…
so happy in her vastness.

i think i’ll let her stay
as long as she’d like,
and make my heart her home.

mother’s day

Posted in fambly and friends, growth & change, heartache, herself, inner peace, love, my inner child, offspring, shades of grey, stirring of the soul, tales of my sanity have been greatly exaggerated, The Right Thing, trust, Uncategorized on May 10, 2008 by whyvonne

mother,

      during those early dearest days

            i did not dream that you had

                  a large life which included me,

                        for i had a life

                              which was only you.

~ maya angelou

ascent and descent

Posted in acts of nature, bewilderness, carpe diem!, changes, chemistry, fact or fiction?, grateful, growth & change, herself, humble and grateful, inner peace, love, my inner child, nurturing, science & nature, shades of grey, silence, stirring of the soul, trust, Uncategorized on April 25, 2008 by whyvonne

sitting side by side on the picnic table, in the clearing near the parking area at the base of the mountain, they shared an organic brew that boasted one of his photographs. the landscape image that had been “flopped, cropped and photoshopped” dominated the label.

she was at once proud of him, and perhaps just a little jealous.

her attempt at under-apologizing was futile; she knew in her heart of hearts that this hike was more than just a little ambitious for her. her frequent stops to catch her breath and slow her heart thudding maddeningly in her chest didn’t seem to bother him…he had even taken her pack from her partway up the mountain to make it easier for her.

as they sat together, recovering, in a companionable silence, he announced that he had planned on saving this particular bottle for a special occasion – and this was it.

she was at a loss for words.

abruptly, she confessed:
“i never intended to re-appear; my only intention was to disappear.”
with that she excused herself and walked to the far side of the clearing, hearing him say,
“…and then she disappeared again…”

she chuckled inwardly. she adored his sense of humor, even though the subject matter wasn’t at all funny. as if her words could even touch on an explanation of why she had been in absentia for six weeks.

what had caught her eye across the lawn was several piles of snow; such an odd sight on this unseasonably hot day! she reached the snow, and bending down, scooped up a handful, smiling as she shaped it into a snowball. it was the perfect consistency! she turned and walked back toward him, feeling the gritty ice already beginning to melt in her hands. when she reached him, her hands were icy cold and dripping; she tenderly touched his sunburned arms with her wet cold hands, loving the contrast of it…her cold hands on his hot skin…then she gently bathed his neck, his ears…

 

 

my girl

Posted in art, heartache, jewel, love, lyrical, shades of grey, smucking BRILLIANT!, stirring of the soul, tales of my sanity have been greatly exaggerated, trust on April 4, 2008 by whyvonne

rastafarian jewel sings her lovely “kiss the flame”…

please, love, let’s make
no imparital vow…
let all fall away
that’s not crucial now

i want a brave love
one that makes me weak in the knees
i want a crazy, crazy love
one that makes me come undone
at the seams…

‘coz i’m tired of all these pilgrims
these puritans, these thieves
of all these unbelievers
who whittle love down
at the knees

let these swift roads destroy themselves
let the world fall into its sleep
for we shall be spared, we shall be left standing
to face what’s left of concrete and honey…

kiss the flame
let’s run with the hunted, the untamed
kiss the flame
embrace the faceless, the unnamed

there are nightmares on the corner
there are jokes on t.v.
there are people selling thougtlessness
with such casualty

where for art thou, romeo?
where have all the brave men gone?
show me one man who knows his own heart
to him i shall belong 

kiss the flame
let’s run with the hunted, the untamed
kiss the flame
embrace the faceless, the unnamed

please, love, let’s make
no impartial vow…

slow fade

Posted in bewilderness, changes, heartache, inner peace, jewel, love, shades of grey, silence, the blues, the darkness, trust on April 2, 2008 by whyvonne

 

“…another fairytale fades to grey;

i’ve lived on hope just like a child
          walking that mile
faking that smile…

all the while,
wishing my heart had wings…”