Archive for the silence Category

dear mom,

Posted in a series of unfortunate events, acts of nature, bewilderness, changes, crossing over, growth & change, heartache, herself, inner peace, love, mindphuck, my inner child, shades of grey, silence, the blues, the burdens of being upright, the darkness on May 13, 2013 by whyvonne

yesterday was Mother’s Day; tomorrow would have been your 75th birthday.

I stood at your gravesite yesterday, and marveled at how lost I felt.

you’ve only been Gone From Me for 122 days. not that I’m counting…but it seems a marker…a placeholder in my life, to gauge the passage of time.

mine is a Complicated Grief, they tell me…since ours was a Complicated Relationship. when you Crossed Over, any hope of us ever having a true, nurturing relationship, died with you.

I keep trying to remind myself that yours was not an easy life…in part because you suffered through so many tragedies at so young an age: with John dying, then baby Shawn, and your father, all within 2 years of each other. such a huge series of losses…and I believe you were only 27. also in part because you chose such an unhappy path, and many unhealthy life choices. it is not my place to judge you, but you HAVE TO KNOW that I was always THAT GIRL, standing, stuck, in the greeting card aisle year after year on Mother’s Day…at a loss since Hallmark didn’t produce cards that spoke my truth.

life is complicated, and messy, and God knows all that and loves us anyway. I am sad that you never sought professional grief counseling after your Trinity of Loss. I am angry that you sought solace in drink, and couldn’t see the pain and devastation you wrought. I am bereft that you couldn’t be the Mother that I needed….ever.

but today, I am just crestfallen that this little girl doesn’t have her Mama anymore.

love, and peace,
yvonne elizabeth

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Mother’s Day 2013

Posted in a series of unfortunate events, acts of nature, bewilderness, changes, crossing over, growth & change, heartache, inner peace, love, mindphuck, my inner child, silence, the burdens of being upright, the darkness on May 12, 2013 by whyvonne

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122 days since you left.

I’m writing you a letter now.

I love you.

your little girl,
yvonne

taciturn

Posted in a series of unfortunate events, bewilderness, heartache, herself, love, mindphuck, possible tragic events, silence, the burdens of being upright, trust on November 17, 2008 by whyvonne

 

 

breakthru

conflicted, northampton

 

on holiday from this and many other things…

please excuse me while i try to figure out just exactly whatthephuck i think i’m doing. because, seriously, i thought i knew…

ascent and descent

Posted in acts of nature, bewilderness, carpe diem!, changes, chemistry, fact or fiction?, grateful, growth & change, herself, humble and grateful, inner peace, love, my inner child, nurturing, science & nature, shades of grey, silence, stirring of the soul, trust, Uncategorized on April 25, 2008 by whyvonne

sitting side by side on the picnic table, in the clearing near the parking area at the base of the mountain, they shared an organic brew that boasted one of his photographs. the landscape image that had been “flopped, cropped and photoshopped” dominated the label.

she was at once proud of him, and perhaps just a little jealous.

her attempt at under-apologizing was futile; she knew in her heart of hearts that this hike was more than just a little ambitious for her. her frequent stops to catch her breath and slow her heart thudding maddeningly in her chest didn’t seem to bother him…he had even taken her pack from her partway up the mountain to make it easier for her.

as they sat together, recovering, in a companionable silence, he announced that he had planned on saving this particular bottle for a special occasion – and this was it.

she was at a loss for words.

abruptly, she confessed:
“i never intended to re-appear; my only intention was to disappear.”
with that she excused herself and walked to the far side of the clearing, hearing him say,
“…and then she disappeared again…”

she chuckled inwardly. she adored his sense of humor, even though the subject matter wasn’t at all funny. as if her words could even touch on an explanation of why she had been in absentia for six weeks.

what had caught her eye across the lawn was several piles of snow; such an odd sight on this unseasonably hot day! she reached the snow, and bending down, scooped up a handful, smiling as she shaped it into a snowball. it was the perfect consistency! she turned and walked back toward him, feeling the gritty ice already beginning to melt in her hands. when she reached him, her hands were icy cold and dripping; she tenderly touched his sunburned arms with her wet cold hands, loving the contrast of it…her cold hands on his hot skin…then she gently bathed his neck, his ears…

 

 

slow fade

Posted in bewilderness, changes, heartache, inner peace, jewel, love, shades of grey, silence, the blues, the darkness, trust on April 2, 2008 by whyvonne

 

“…another fairytale fades to grey;

i’ve lived on hope just like a child
          walking that mile
faking that smile…

all the while,
wishing my heart had wings…”

silent house

Posted in bewilderness, grateful, heartache, heartless thief named alzheimer's, humble and grateful, inner peace, love, making a difference, nurturing, offspring, shades of grey, silence, stirring of the soul, storm, the blues, the darkness on March 28, 2008 by whyvonne

…listening to the ‘chicks’ earlier today; this song always tugs at my heartstrings.

my own paternal grandmother crossed over in 2004 after battling alzheimer’s disease.

i’ve rendered the lyrics in calligraphy; take a peek.

growth

Posted in bewilderness, changes, humble and grateful, inner peace, love, my inner child, shades of grey, silence, stirring of the soul, trust on March 4, 2008 by whyvonne

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“…and the day came
when the risk to remain
tight in a bud

was more painful
than the risk
it took
to blossom.”

~ anais nin