Archive for the W T F ? Category

wherever you go, there you are…

Posted in bewilderness, growth & change, heartache, herself, inner peace, love, my inner child, shades of grey, survivors, tales of my sanity have been greatly exaggerated, the blues, the burdens of being upright, the darkness, trust, Uncategorized, W T F ? on August 8, 2008 by whyvonne

there’s an elephant in my living room!
{her name is MissTrust}
i try to lead her gently out the back door,
but she won’t budge.

i step around her gingerly,
and sometimes make believe she isn’t there.
but there she remains…

she has grown quite fat
over the years,
for so many have fed her,
unknowingly – unwittingly;
 without discretion or reservation.

she feels very comfortable here now,
welcome and nurtured…
so happy in her vastness.

i think i’ll let her stay
as long as she’d like,
and make my heart her home.

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e-mails worth reading….

Posted in bewilderness, Christ-in-a-sidecar, crazy unadulterated bullshit, ignorance and arrogance, jesus krispies!, just phucking funny, smucking BRILLIANT!, W T F ? on August 6, 2008 by whyvonne

hoping you have the time to read this in its entirety, particularly the response of LK at the end. these guys smucking kill me!  ~ WHYvonne

     

So- there’s a new Demotivator this week.  It’s called Sanity.  But before I go into any detail about that design, allow me to flash back to around this time last week.

You see, to my absolute amazement, our recent issue of the Wailing List generated an outpouring of offended replies from people who apparently find the idea of making fun of Government to be tantamount to blasphemy.  I excerpt an email below for your consideration:

Date: Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:22:35 -0400
From: "Allison (REMOVED)" (ally.(REMOVED)@(REMOVED).gov)
Subject: Re: The Wailing List - Government
To: The Wailing List
Your latest design about GOVERNMENT is reprehensible in the extreme!  What are we to infer from it?  That you would prefer anarchy?  Everyone loves to mock the government- right up until the point where they actually need it!  And make no mistake, you (EXPLETIVE REMOVED) need it!  
Ever driven on a state highway?  Guess where it came from?  It wasn't built by American Indians!  It was built by your own government!
Ever send your children to public school?  Ever call 911 in an emergency? Ever visit a public park?  I'm sure snotty (EXPLETIVE REMOVED) like you wouldn't dare taint yourself by depending on government in such a situation!  Right?!
Hey- here's a funny question!

 

You ever been on a watchlist?  Well, if you haven't, you're about to be.  I'm forwarding your "hilarious" new design to a friend at the DHS who loves to stay abreast of "comedians" who mock government.  One of your call center employees was kind enough to tell me the name of the gentleman who wrote that oh-so-funny Demotivater(sic)-  so please tell Daniel (REMOVED) that his name will be included in my e-mail.  We'll see how funny he thinks it is the next time he tries to hop on a commercial jet!  I think he'll see the exquisite irony of the whole situation right then and there- when he has his no-no zones thoroughly scrutinized by a- wait for it!- A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE!

 

If you think I'm kidding, think again.  Tell your snarky little coworker Mr. (REMOVED) he ought to read up on "MAIN CORE".  Because it's going to be reading up on HIM in about an hour from now!

Sincerely annoyed-as-hell-at-you,
Allison (REMOVED)

 

 

 

 

 

While this was the most forceful reply I received, it certainly wasn’t the only angry one.  I’m frankly still astonished by the flood of responses.  It was a joke- inspired no doubt by the never-ending parade of political stupidity coming from both houses of Congress and both political parties*.  Only a joke.

I have been slowly working my way through replies- but in the case of the above, I forwarded it to Daniel- the author of that particular Demotivator and asked him to respond to the offended customer directly, if he cared to do so.

24 hours later- he had written his reply to the customer- and copied me.  His reply was simply in the form of a picture.  A new Demotivator called Sanity– apparently inspired by the threats of a deeply-offended, big-government loving statist.

That design is now available in lithograph and desktopper formats.  And guess what?  The lithograph is available for only $9.95- as are all of our lithographs for the month of August.

And- if that wasn’t good enough- I’ve got yet another bit of good news. Overwhelmed with his own feelings of superiority, Daniel also suggested we use offer a coupon code this week for our Superiori-Tee.  If you want to get this tee for $5, simply use the coupon code “nonozone” (no quotes).  

This offer is even valid for you, Allison! You may love big government- but given your history of only buying things when we offer super-discounts, I know you love heap big savings** even more!  Why- you ask- are we letting you in on the deal? Because your invocation of the haven’t-heard-it-since-1977 of  “no no zones” led to the biggest explosion of laughter from the writers’ room that I’ve ever heard! No joke!

So- there you have it.  A new design- inspired by an angry customer’s response to a recent design- and a great set of discounts on posters and an unprecedented discount on our most popular t-shirt!  

(He said, bracing himself for a new flood of email complaints from easily offended parachutists and/or crazy people…)
* What- you need examples?  How about corn ethanol subsidies that are causing food riots?  Or $5 trillion added to the public debt a couple of weeks ago in order to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac? Or a Treasury Secretary who- despite statements to the contrary is apparently is a strong proponent of a Flaccid Dollar Policy which is helping to drive up the costs of our gasoline, food, the products Despair manufactures and the shipping charges to get them to you!  What about Alan Greenspan getting paid $100,000 to give speeches to multi-millionaire bankers about the potential for a complete economic meltdown created by- wait for it- Sir Alan Greenspan himself! As he created the world’s greatest economic bubble by lowering interest rates to 1% for ages- while he encouraged Americans to get adjustable-rate-mortgages during his employ at the oh-it-might-as-well-be-a-part-of-our-government the Federal Reserve. (Interest rates were 1%! 1%! WHY should Americans get an adjustable rate mortgage when interest rates were at 50 year lows? Was there some thought that might take rates down to 0%- and you sure wouldn’t want Americans to be locked in at 1% if that happened, Sir Alan?!)
Come on- Allison!  I’m a college dropout and I’ve got better sense!  But if you find yourself offended by my comments, don’t bother to call the call center to get my name.  If you feel you have to report me to the DHS for being critical of some of the idiotic government actions I list above- my real name is Lawrence Kersten.  (No relation to the company founder/spokesman by that name…)
**  Oh, and by the way, Allison, I’m 1/8th Cherokee Indian by blood- and that 1/8th of me took offense at your cheap comment about the highway system not being built by my people.  I forwarded your comments to my father- who is 1/4th Cherokee (and actually registered with the Cherokee Nation). He was twice as offended as I was but told me to let it go.  “You don’t really have the right to be offended by that, son.  Technically, with 1/8th blood, you’re not really qualified to be.” So I asked him what rights I might enjoy, given I had only a half-of-a-quarter of Cherokee blood.  He said I can’t own a casino and won’t qualify for very many scholarships, but that I could probably get away with using “heap big” every once in a while.  So now I have.  I hope you’ll choose your words more carefully next time. Some of us are easily offended.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sheryl crow

Posted in bewilderness, changes, crazy unadulterated bullshit, heartache, love, shades of grey, storm, tales of my sanity have been greatly exaggerated, trust, W T F ? on March 17, 2008 by whyvonne

from the good ole’ days, before
all-pop “i wanna soak up the sun” tiger beat
love song days…

“i light your cigarette
i bring you apples from the vine
how quickly you forget
i run the bath and pour the wine
i’d bring you everything that floats into your mind

but you don’t bring me anything but down
no, you don’t bring me anything but down
when you come ’round

you are a raging sea
i pull myself out every day
i plead insanity
coz i can’t leave and i can’t stay

you say “won’t you come find me,”
and “yes” is what i say

well, maybe i’m not your perfect kind
maybe i’m not what you had in mind
and maybe we’re just killin’ time…

you with your silky words
and your eyes of green and blue
you with your steel beliefs
that don’t match anything you do;
it was so much easier
before you became you

no more playing seek and hide
no more long and wasted nights
can’t you make it easy on yourself?

i know you wish
you were strong
you wish you were never wrong
well, i’ve got some wishes
of my own…”

sing it, angry sheryl!
hell hath no fury… 

what is this ‘customer service’ you speak of?

Posted in bewilderness, crazy unadulterated bullshit, greed and avarice, ignorance and arrogance, just phucking funny, tales of my sanity have been greatly exaggerated, The Right Thing, W T F ? on February 17, 2008 by whyvonne

billpay.jpg

i love this one…

help. my inner child is demanding an iPhone…

Posted in carpe diem!, crazy unadulterated bullshit, greed and avarice, just phucking funny, my inner child, nurturing, tales of my sanity have been greatly exaggerated, The Right Thing, Uncategorized, W T F ? on February 3, 2008 by whyvonne
iphone.png

yes, it’s true. needy little bitch won’t let it go, either.

this has nothing to do with reason or responsibility or The Right Thing.

i just want it.

never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

Posted in ignorance and arrogance, just phucking funny, making a difference, offspring, shades of grey, tales of my sanity have been greatly exaggerated, the darkness, W T F ? on January 4, 2008 by whyvonne

idiocy.jpg

hmmm….where to begin?

yesterday i got an urgent phone call from the vice-principal of my son’s {public} school. when he didn’t reach the landline {yep, still have one!}, he called my cell phone. apparently they had to confiscate a weapon from my 10 year-old son.

“my God!” i exclaimed {eyes rolling upward},”did anyone get hurt?”

the weapon in question was an M-16 assault rifle…
um, made by HASBRO for…
um, G.I. Phucking Joes.

they wouldn’t give it back to him. they insisted i drive to the school to pick it up. wouldn’t send it home in a sealed envelope. no, sir. had to go pick it up, because it “raised some eyebrows.”

above is a photo of the reason my son got “in trouble” at school yesterday. now i feel compelled to do some lengthy internet research to discover just how many serial killers played with G.I. Joes as children.

“well, ya know, bubba, you just cain’t be too careful these days.”
those are MY tax dollars, hard at work, baby.

as stephen king would say, “fuck me freddy.”