“…i’m sorry if my heart breaking ruined your day…”

                    

“oh, well, sometimes it be that way.

i said, oh, well, i’ve got nothing left to sell…

this love was a bell that rang unheard in the air…

i was bound to find out that you didn’t care

i said, oh well, sometimes it be that way.

*

now, {romeo} was a very nice man

he said, “yvonne, i don’t think you quite understand...”

well, i’m sorry you had to explain it like this

i’m sorry i was a point you were destined to miss…

and i’m sorry if my heart breaking ruined your day.

oh well, sometimes it be that way.”

*

thanQ, jewel, for writing that, and so many other lyrics that bring it home for me.

i am writing from a deep, dark, paralyzed place in my soul. my friend jonathan says that writing is cathartic, that i should put my feelings down to come to some sort of a place of healing and strength. jonathan, thank you for somehow knowing me so much better than even i know myself. i am working towards that seemingly monumental task. i thought returning all things my lover had ever given me would be cleansing and help me to gain some sense of closure. unfortunately, a shadow of him remains just about everywhere.

at this point i am struggling just to breathe. reviewing and analyzing things said, cherished memories, thoughts, the drama and passion, events and feelings. over one year of waiting and wondering, guessing and hoping that this union was going to come to something even more precious and meaningful. giving so much space, not wanting to ask the important questions….and hanging on to every detail rather than communicating.

i am moving through the sludge that is described as the five stages of grief; numb and limping through these days, lost and heartbroken. all advice and words meant to comfort and soothe bounce off me and seem trite. i am hanging on to the suffering i believe is necessary to move forward and come out of this, somehow, emotionally intact, with my capacity for love and hope and {maybe even} trust undiminished. this, i know, is a tall order. now the important goals are breathing, eating and sleeping. {my body – such an amazing machine – is fighting to maintain homeostasis, or, a dynamic state of equilibrium.} to not wake up crying. continuing to be a good momma to my boy. not looking for parallels and hidden meaning in every song and photograph. not questioning my worthiness of being loved. of being lovable. not ruminating and re-living the months and months of what i thought to be love. not reviewing my age, life expectancy….and comparing everyone else to that beautiful man, and all that we shared, personally and professionally. 

lost, grieving and filled with pain,

broken, hollow,

emptY-vonne

THIS TREMENDOUS LOSS ON THE HEELS OF THE TREE BREAKING MY HOUSE ON 28 JUNE, MY TRUCK BREAKING DOWN, PEOPLE BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE, AND STILL LIVING IN A HOTEL 30+ DAYS AFTER THE MICROBURST, AND STILL NO RECONSTRUCTION IN PROGRESS….GODDAMN, I SHOULD WRITE ME A COUNTRY SONG! {tiny smile.}

license renewals!

holy shit, batman! the commonwealth of massachusetts is making $$$ this year. my un-birthday is fast approaching….therefore, i need to renew my: driver’s license ($40), nursing license ($80), LTC ($100)….and i understand they are taking charge of the massage therapy business, because, well…there’s money to be made. {note: there is a whole separate post on independent claims adjusters, general contractors and kickbacks that would make even ‘vinny bag-o-donuts’ blush! keep posted!} also, i just renewed my new england patriots registration/plate (? $74), camper registration ($29)…

 i received my driver’s license renewal in the mail, with instructions on how to renew. this year the powers-that-be {the federal government, ahem….closing the barn door after the horsies trotted away} are MANDATING me to change my license number to something other than my social security number. why? these numbers are far easier to obtain than most people think. and i like my SSN. it’s easy to remember, and it’s a conversation-starter…since i obtained it in the midwest when i got my first job, at age 13. {yes, harry, it starts with a “3”. LOL}

what’s amusing is the section where any changes are asked for…you know the usual: name, address, etc. apparently this year i can report any changes i may have made in gender since my last license renewal. what’s especially funny is that “additional documentation may be required.” {note: the online form states: additional information is required.} makes one wonder what the criteria is for additional documentation might be. why would one person have to provide it when another may not? the world may never know…

on the reverse side, i am REQUIRED to provide voter registration information in order to renew, including “political designation.” no problem, big brother. eventually all of this information will be contained in a microchip imbedded in the subcutaneous tissue in my forehead, and i can be done forever with filling out silly forms. maybe then we can stop worrying about identity theft. unless, of course, someone steals my forehead. LOL.

god save the commonwealth.

serenity NOW!

    …we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the “Dr. Phil” show, you too, can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”  

    So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished….and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of a cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin’ good I feel!

    Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

*today’s smile courtesy of my seester, siobhan-of-colorado. 

the most beautiful girl on the whole north shore

….is madeleine autumn, a most fetching lass. she turned TWO years old on 4 june 2007.

a concert in ireland

    At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the 
audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone….”I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”   

A voice from the front of the audience yells out….”Then stop clapping, ya asshole!”

THANKS TO my little brother JIM FOR TODAY’S CHUCKLE.

“blaze” delivers, again and again….

It’s official….another delicious novel by the master of horror. i tried my best to read this slowly, to savor it, but….alas….i found myself racing through the pages. {alternately laughing out loud, jaw dropping open, and nodding at the familiarity of his decriptions of some of the wonders of growing up.}

this is classic KING….grabbing you, reeling you in and pulling you along with him, kicking and screaming, right into the story. the characters become so familiar to you, the setting so real….that you will believe just about anything that flows out of his pen. {particularly this one, where he mentions several new england locales.} just when you believe the book may be becoming formulaic and predictable, he throws you a curveball. i personally will forgive him the consistent time travel between NOW and THEN. {which started, i believe, in 1984 with the talisman, co-authored by peter straub.} additionally, there is at least one reference to a recent work….which we, Constant Readers, have hungrily come to expect.

without giving too much away, a ‘coupla’ my favorite lines from this gem:

~”July disappeared wherever used months go.”~

~”…and she smiled back. Blaze folded that smile, put it away, and kept it for years.”~

self-proclaimed “trunk novel” or not, this is king {or bachman, whomever!} at his finest. i have come to expect little else from my bangor buddy. rock on, stevie!

28 june 2007 * {every picture tells a story…}

SUBTITLE:

this is NOT what i planned when i said i was taking the summer off!

the good news is: i took my final exam this morning. i will know tomorrow if it’s actually good news!

and the other news….the very tall pine on the side of my property got struck by lightning and broke my house during a severe thunderstorm this afternoon.

the good news is….no one got hurt. the boy and i moved to my bedroom in the back just in time…..and it smells like christmas in my living room. i saved my klipsch speakers and subwoofer. i think.

grateful benjamin is ok. grateful for wonderful neighbors who immediately came to my rescue…..

will keep you posted. photos in next e-mail, need to get connected again. using neighbors’ laptop.

love and peace,

why-vonne and been-jammin’

***e-mail numero dos:

29 june 2007

good morning!

here are a few photos of tree vs. house, chapter one. the destruction caused by said bastard tree was captured on a neighbor’s digital camera. my batteries run out at the most inopportune times!

a misty-eyed “thanks” to all who stepped up and helped out….my phenomenal neighbors, dawn and dean, and their lovely offspring, amanda and andrew…for everything!, to the claims adjuster who drove to the new marriott personally to “swipe the company card” and pay for a suite of rooms for the weekend…to oxford fire department, national grid/mass electric, the town of oxford highway department, dawn’s brother kevin for braving the wet conditions and standing on my roof in the rain with his chainsaw!…the contractors, who are coming to clean, dry and cart off what’s left of the downed section of tree at 0815 this am….

a hearty and heartfelt “phuck you!” to all the gawkers who grew roots around my house since they apparently couldn’t find anything better to watch on 999 channels, {aye, i make no apologies for who i am or how i feel anymore!} and channel 3 news {move on! there must be an accident SOMEWHERE on 290 eastbound….’cept rob, my old guitar teacher, sheepishly holding the mike: “we’re ok, dude!”}

and for those of you in the know: the first of benjamin’s blood cultures will be back today, the IM ceftriaxone has knocked back the fever;  CXR and U/A   C &S was negative, SaO2 is 97% and we are obviously praying fiercely and hoping for the best!

yesterday is behind me now…

was it walt whitman who said

“turn your face always to the sunshine, and the shadows will fall behind you….”?

and….

{smucking brilliant!} : “never challenge worse….”

eternally optimistic,

humble and grateful,

yvonne

when i actually have my wits about me, i will probably blog this at my site:

www.whyvonne.wordpress.com

***i still love trees, but i am a lil ascairt of lightning now!

 

* “pay it forward”    2 july 2007

i think i may have, at one time or another…. in fact, i am certain of it. this list is ne’er ending, but here goes….

thank God for allowing me to pass my two-hour ANATOMY & PHSIOLOGY final, with only three hours sleep under my belt, and a febrile, lethargic child lying across a couple of chairs in the hallway outside the lecture room. {i ended up with a B+ for the course, through some divine intervention.} thanks to carmalina {good carma!} and april for being so supportive and trying to help me study through the dense fog that was my brain that fine day. thanQ to strangers and friends who have lent a hand {or offered to} without conditions.  thanQ to lloyd from the arborists on contract with national grid/massachusetts electric for coming out and listening to my story, and subsequently ‘clearing the schedule’ for tomorrow to remove what’s left of said bastard pine. thanQ to mary, the waitress at the auburn “99 restaurant,” for knowing just what to say, and for touching my arm. {yes, i said touching my arm. little things mean a lot these days!}. thanQ to the young man at “dick’s tire barn” on route 20 in charlton for taking my “big-assed truck” in immediately to insert a plug where a bolt and washer had been, and refusing to take any money for it. {yes, a bolt and washer. i simply cannot just pick up a nail like anybody else! <chuckle.>} thanQ to dr. salim, the chair of pediatrics at fallon clinic, for his fine care of benjamin during his recent acute illness. your reason and courtesy, and willingness to listen mean so much. i am sure there are others, but for now…i must settle in to my big soft bed here at the hotel….because tomorrow is another day, and with it brings lots of challenges.