cold, cold heart.

every time she heard that icy winter wind heave and blow, the plastic sheeting on the windows whistle and breathe…

with the fury and force of the fourth blizzard of 2015, her heart died just a little more…for the man she made leave

justified though she may be
for handling things so properly

explosive anger, fear and loathing

her cowering and oppression now coming to an end

did not equalize the suffering
of her sending out her best friend

into the worst weather ever

…and her fragile, pounding heart melted into a puddle, sliding down past her knees

onto the floor

one shot a day…

this idea was totally STOLEN from my buddy BJ Hill,
who just turned 33 (gasp!)…

since life does indeed seem to pass by in the blink of an eye…

i am going to attempt to post one photograph from my life each and every day…

i hope you enjoy these moments as much as i enjoy capturing them!

 ~ WHYvonne

 

this shot came about as a result of a recent camping trip to
myles standish state forest in carver, massachusetts.
while making a list of necessary equipment to take along,
one wiseguy in our party jokingly suggested,

“everybody bring ONE shirt, ONE pair of shorts, ONE pair of socks…”

to which 12 year old benjamin replied enthusiastically,
“YES !…we change on wednesday!”

which led yours truly to make everyone a
t-shirt bearing that sentiment.

(it actually DID become a contest
to see who got the DIRTIEST by week’s end…
we all showered daily but wore the same
white t-shirt ONLY while at the campground!!)

you gotta love kids at this age.
EVERYTHING is funny.

 

wow.

 

thanks to all who came out on saturday evening 
to the reception for “new beginnings”
at the sturbridge coffeehouse…

thank you to pia and jen
for the opportunity…

thanks also to jonathan cook
of the sturbridge town common
for the story…

and thank you to bruce and michael
for the lovely acoustic tunes,
particularly “body of my soul”…
(i only hope i can do
the background vocals justice…)

love & peace,
~ yvonne

unit 28

dark and dimming
so hopelessly sans hope,
you tried your hand again

what can i do for you? my plaintive wail
“put me back in your womb.”

helpless, shaking, spun around
feelings overwhelm and
i coccoon myself…

saturated with details
meetings, and calls
playing the game,
repeating your name
it’s all the same

i am here for you.
i fight for you, i comfort you
i cry for you, would die for you.
but who will save me?

in training…

…approximately 73 days to go! just committed to the Vineyard ride for MS, opting for the measly 50K so as not to embarrass myself and others. LOL.

time to put down the ben & jerry’s and put on the snowshoes! wish me luck…and please consider sponsoring me! no donation is considered too small!

every choice is worth your while.

a little holiday humor

enjoy this two minute video clip, made me actually laugh out loud.

i am not doing a lot of that these days, and i expect the next few posts will be a deep prussian blue.

happy first night of hanukkah to my friends who practice.

love & peace,
WHYvonne

taciturn

 

 

conflicted, northampton

 

on holiday from this and many other things…

please excuse me while i try to figure out just exactly whatthephuck i think i’m doing. because, seriously, i thought i knew…

a conversation with stephen king

 

totally unauthorized photo of steve and…that other author

so, simon and schuster/scribner graciously pre-released a big batch o’ king’s latest book last thursday, and, in cooperation with the odyssey bookshop in south hadley, massachusetts, hosted “a conversation with stephen king and richard russo” at mount holysmoke college. i was fortunate enough to score a ticket when they were released, hence this post. for those of you who weren’t, the new title “just after sunset” is being released to the uh, general public, today. {giggle.}

 

by the time odyssey bookshop owners had read through their list of “thank you’s” and the history of the bookstore, i was up to page 37 or so. “just after sunset” is a collection of short stories spurned on by stephen’s recent experience editing the annual “best american short stories” series in 2006. during the evening he talked about the form, and how he hoped he could rekindle his excitement and proficiency at this particular style of writing. uh, mission accomplished, mr. king.

 

whether you know me or not, or wish to, you still may not know that i am one of stevie’s biggest cockadoodie fans! i have an entire bookshelf in my living room with only His books adorning the shelves. these include the hardcover and paperback editions, and a few duplicates for some God-knows-why reason.

some of his expressions and exclamations have made their way into my everyday language {i.e.: jesus krispies!, fuck me freddy, christ-in-a-sidecar, and do the day, and let the day do you!}. i have everything he’s ever written, including some audiobooks, and mostly everything that’s ever been written about him. to me, his biggest appeal is that he carries you right into the story, crafting characters that are so familiar, likeable or not, that you recognize them as people you already know. then he introduces a bizarre element, something you normally couldn’t even fathom, but since he’s already reeled you in…you just accept it, and read on. the horror genre is not all about monsters and boogeymen; sometimes it encompasses the horror of the mind that grips your very soul and can be just as paralytically terrifying as being stalked by a rabid dog on a hot summer day.

…in no particular order, the high-est-lights of the evening, IMHO, were as follows:

• handing my literary hero my $160 monteverde fountain pen, {when i removed the cap, there was a resounding CLICK! in the auditorium, stevie’s security guy standing behind him raised one eyebrow, then probably realized i didn’t look like much of a threat}, and somehow stammering “i am a calligrapher. would you use my pen?” i had something else exceptionally brilliant to follow that, but instead morphed into a 12 year-old girl needing to buy a vowel. i exited left as gracefully as i could, being herded along by the rest of the crowd, happy in the knowledge that He is the only other person to ever use that pen, except yours truly. {giggle.}
• the announcement of the benefactor of a portion of ticket sales, the food bank of western massachusetts, {more introductions here} ~ and the bookstore owners bringing out a comically large check in the amount of $18,565.00 !
• king, commenting on dead zone: “when mccain picked palin as his running mate, tabitha and i looked at each other and said ‘that’s greg stillson in a skirt!’ “
• king, answering a question about his books-turned-movies: commenting on the new verizon commercial, where the two dead-looking twins get off the elevator, a-la-the shining, and say “it’s a dead zone here.” and how horrifying that kind of stuff is to him.
• when asked by moderator joe donahue {host of “the roundtable” on WAMC, 90.3 FM}, “what’s your favorite curse word, and why?”…steve did a spot-on imitation of kathy bates as annie wilkes in “misery“: “he didn’t get out of that COCKADOODIE CARRRR!” …then expounded a little on expressions that cracked him up as a kid: “i wouldn’t give a tin shit!” and “shit or go blind.” …much laughter here. fellow author richard russo deferred answering first, so he could compose himself…and went on to tell a tale of how the “c” word is used commonly in england, much like “bitch” is here. how he called his daughter recently, who works in a family-owned frame shop in london, and her use of the word over the telephone. his kneejerk reaction: shock. then, chuckling, “i am so proud of her!” …thunderous applause.
• stephen king discussing “on writing“, and the Q & A session at the conclusion of the discussion.

 this girl left with a huge shit-eatin grin on her face, and in her very heart.

in absentia…

yes, i have been absent. just a little too much going on in this life at present. i am frustrated over my inability/unwillingness/demotivation to express myself either through this venue, or visually as an artist.

a tiny spark has emerged through my association with massscribes, and their incredibly talented members. also some bright shiny spots have weaved themselves into my very soul due to my recently renewed reunion with former classmates who still practice the fine arts. i am at once in awe and more than somewhat intimidated

…but reflexively retreat rather than create.

i visualize a million tiny pieces of me, hurtling into space.

i am disappointed in my apparent lack of ability to dissociate emotionally and be more captain spock-like, capable of critical and logical thought, without all the complications of feelings.

and why ~ oh why ~ does my horrorscope have to be so SPOT ON today ?!?!

October 22

Whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, there is a child inside of you who needs tending, dear Leo. You are all grown up, and proud of who you have become. And well you should be. But we are all the sum total of who we once were. Today’s planetary positions suggest that you spend some time acknowledging the various parts of your past. That includes the good parts as well as the not-so-good parts. It is only after you have integrated all these different elements of yourself that you can truly be the person you are meant to be.

look for a post soon on my upcoming meeting with the king!, or my mother’s recent heart surgery, my collaboration on a book!, laying down some vocals with an old friend; or my new hiking and volleyball adventures…{giggle}…but certainly not the upcoming mindphuck which is the presidential election.

until then, i remain…
perplexed,

you.

eyes wide shut
narrowing my world
til only you shine through

a sliver of light
illuminating
my heart in blue

closing every door
except those
i leave open

…only for you.

motivational lithographs

i’ve been framed!

thanQ to my daughter’s friend brett, whom i have never even met,
for this “motivational” frame-up he designed on his myspace!
{not realizing i am actually a GMILF!…chuckle}

being 48 rocks!

post Mother’s Day love

I had all intentions of dedicating this post to some very special moms I am fortunate enough to know, and tag them individually… and then I realized that every single person who is a female friend of mine on Facebook (I do know all my Facebook friends personally!) is a phenomenal parent, even to stepchildren and beyond….who has been an amazing role model, suffered great loss and heartache, and who has made so many sacrifices for her children and extended family.

to all my female friends and family: you are all so beautiful and fierce, and brave, and loved beyond measure! don’t ever think for one millisecond that you’re not the best mom ever….because we all do the very best we can, and our kids do the very best they can….and that’s about all anyone can ever hope for.

To those of you that know my story and my recent heartache, you know this is a very special Mother’s Day for me.

To those of you who have lost a child, my heart is broken in a million pieces for you today…and every day. And I will always love you and honor your bravery, even on those days you cannot bear to get out of bed and face the day.

To my female friends who are adult children of alcoholics, my heart knows your heart, and knows how difficult it is for you to pick out a card at the store, to keep faking that smile, and to keep trying to piece together a relationship from tiny crumbs of affection amidst insults and drama. You are loved, not in the way you should be… But you will find this love elsewhere. And I will always love you.

To those of you who are not able to have children, I don’t know your pain, but I am in awe of you and honor you as you have nurtured others. you take care of others in so many different ways. And I will always love you.

To my friends who have not yet had children, fasten your seat belt because you’re in for the ride of your life! It’s the toughest job you’ll ever love, the most thankless… And the most rewarding.

And to those of us who don’t have a mom to call or send a card or flowers to… I also feel your pain. It is less acute as the years fly by, but startling in its intensity in moments when you least expect it. We continue to soldier on, hang onto the good memories, and try to be the very best moms we can be.

Go out there and have a great day, enjoy your family, take pictures and laugh and hug and make memories! No matter what your situation… Know that you are loved.

~ Yvonne Elizabeth

cHRIs.0

**written THREE YEARS AGO. PROBABLY NEVER PUBLISHED BEFORE SINCE IT WAS SO RHYME-DRIVEN. and now it hurts afresh.

 

driving down the highway, feeling you so close to me

you pull out your harmonica, slap it twice against your knee

playing alongside the blues – in whatever style you choose

all is right, all is good; we don’t worry bout paying dues…

 

i miss your silliness, your antics; miss my co-pilot in this life

i miss the laughter and the wordplay…i miss being your wife

laughing so hard while driving, tears pouring down my face,

eyes squeezed shut, i have to pull over – over and over, and over again.

 

i relive the good times, and the bad….you were the finest Best Friend I’ve ever had

the more time passes, the more i see…you were the only man for me

only the good times re-surface….and the hostility, fear and resistance

take their rightful place in the deep, dark recesses of my being.

guh.

brave enough…

to tell you that I miss you.

beyond words.

stuck.

A ghost of someone’s tragedy

How recklessly my time has been spent…

 

 

This life is short, they say

Make every day count, they say…

Live in the moment, they say.

 

How then

Can I allow this grief to consume me

This inexplicable sadness

to stop me in my tracks

and render me inert?

 

My end

Could possibly be

as unglamorous

as a fat wet toad

Being run over by a reckless car

 

Or slipping away

Unceremoniously

After weeks of chemotherapy

 

The smell of disinfectant and despair

Hanging thick and knowing

In the atmosphere

rife with cool, clinical detachment

 

Alone

Lonely

Always alone

 

How then,

Does the human body continue to function

When engulfed with seemingly endless sadness, grief and pain?

fragility

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fragile, fractured bird
Afraid of her own shadow
Convinced that every swift movement
Is a cause for concern

Certainly every male with a predatory intention,
sensing a weak resolve,
Will seek her out for his own self-elevation

Not alone by choice, lonely
Alone of her own volition, lost

Huddled in a tight ball of her own wings
Protecting herself….
Like no one else can.

never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

reblogging since his situation had gotten so much more phucking ridiculous. the pendulum over-swings, far reaching to both sides…and never stopping in the oh-so-appropriate middle.

what lies within

hmmm….where to begin?

yesterday i got an urgent phone call from the vice-principal of my son’s {public} school. when he didn’t reach the landline {yep, still have one!}, he called my cell phone. apparently they had to confiscate a weapon from my 10 year-old son.

“my God!” i exclaimed {eyes rolling upward},”did anyone get hurt?”

the weapon in question was an M-16 assault rifle…
um, made by HASBRO for…
um, G.I. Phucking Joes.

they wouldn’t give it back to him. they insisted i drive to the school to pick it up. wouldn’t send it home in a sealed envelope. no, sir. had to go pick it up, because it “raised some eyebrows.”

above is a photo of the reason my son got “in trouble” at school yesterday. now i feel compelled to do some lengthy internet research to discover just how many serial killers played with G.I. Joes…

View original post 31 more words

dear mom,

yesterday was Mother’s Day; tomorrow would have been your 75th birthday.

I stood at your gravesite yesterday, and marveled at how lost I felt.

you’ve only been Gone From Me for 122 days. not that I’m counting…but it seems a marker…a placeholder in my life, to gauge the passage of time.

mine is a Complicated Grief, they tell me…since ours was a Complicated Relationship. when you Crossed Over, any hope of us ever having a true, nurturing relationship, died with you.

I keep trying to remind myself that yours was not an easy life…in part because you suffered through so many tragedies at so young an age: with John dying, then baby Shawn, and your father, all within 2 years of each other. such a huge series of losses…and I believe you were only 27. also in part because you chose such an unhappy path, and many unhealthy life choices. it is not my place to judge you, but you HAVE TO KNOW that I was always THAT GIRL, standing, stuck, in the greeting card aisle year after year on Mother’s Day…at a loss since Hallmark didn’t produce cards that spoke my truth.

life is complicated, and messy, and God knows all that and loves us anyway. I am sad that you never sought professional grief counseling after your Trinity of Loss. I am angry that you sought solace in drink, and couldn’t see the pain and devastation you wrought. I am bereft that you couldn’t be the Mother that I needed….ever.

but today, I am just crestfallen that this little girl doesn’t have her Mama anymore.

love, and peace,
yvonne elizabeth

Mother’s Day 2013

122 days since you left.

I’m writing you a letter now.

I love you.

your little girl,
yvonne