unit 28

dark and dimming
so hopelessly sans hope,
you tried your hand again

what can i do for you? my plaintive wail
“put me back in your womb.”

helpless, shaking, spun around
feelings overwhelm and
i coccoon myself…

saturated with details
meetings, and calls
playing the game,
repeating your name
it’s all the same

i am here for you.
i fight for you, i comfort you
i cry for you, would die for you.
but who will save me?

a conversation with stephen king

 

totally unauthorized photo of steve and…that other author

so, simon and schuster/scribner graciously pre-released a big batch o’ king’s latest book last thursday, and, in cooperation with the odyssey bookshop in south hadley, massachusetts, hosted “a conversation with stephen king and richard russo” at mount holysmoke college. i was fortunate enough to score a ticket when they were released, hence this post. for those of you who weren’t, the new title “just after sunset” is being released to the uh, general public, today. {giggle.}

 

by the time odyssey bookshop owners had read through their list of “thank you’s” and the history of the bookstore, i was up to page 37 or so. “just after sunset” is a collection of short stories spurned on by stephen’s recent experience editing the annual “best american short stories” series in 2006. during the evening he talked about the form, and how he hoped he could rekindle his excitement and proficiency at this particular style of writing. uh, mission accomplished, mr. king.

 

whether you know me or not, or wish to, you still may not know that i am one of stevie’s biggest cockadoodie fans! i have an entire bookshelf in my living room with only His books adorning the shelves. these include the hardcover and paperback editions, and a few duplicates for some God-knows-why reason.

some of his expressions and exclamations have made their way into my everyday language {i.e.: jesus krispies!, fuck me freddy, christ-in-a-sidecar, and do the day, and let the day do you!}. i have everything he’s ever written, including some audiobooks, and mostly everything that’s ever been written about him. to me, his biggest appeal is that he carries you right into the story, crafting characters that are so familiar, likeable or not, that you recognize them as people you already know. then he introduces a bizarre element, something you normally couldn’t even fathom, but since he’s already reeled you in…you just accept it, and read on. the horror genre is not all about monsters and boogeymen; sometimes it encompasses the horror of the mind that grips your very soul and can be just as paralytically terrifying as being stalked by a rabid dog on a hot summer day.

…in no particular order, the high-est-lights of the evening, IMHO, were as follows:

• handing my literary hero my $160 monteverde fountain pen, {when i removed the cap, there was a resounding CLICK! in the auditorium, stevie’s security guy standing behind him raised one eyebrow, then probably realized i didn’t look like much of a threat}, and somehow stammering “i am a calligrapher. would you use my pen?” i had something else exceptionally brilliant to follow that, but instead morphed into a 12 year-old girl needing to buy a vowel. i exited left as gracefully as i could, being herded along by the rest of the crowd, happy in the knowledge that He is the only other person to ever use that pen, except yours truly. {giggle.}
• the announcement of the benefactor of a portion of ticket sales, the food bank of western massachusetts, {more introductions here} ~ and the bookstore owners bringing out a comically large check in the amount of $18,565.00 !
• king, commenting on dead zone: “when mccain picked palin as his running mate, tabitha and i looked at each other and said ‘that’s greg stillson in a skirt!’ “
• king, answering a question about his books-turned-movies: commenting on the new verizon commercial, where the two dead-looking twins get off the elevator, a-la-the shining, and say “it’s a dead zone here.” and how horrifying that kind of stuff is to him.
• when asked by moderator joe donahue {host of “the roundtable” on WAMC, 90.3 FM}, “what’s your favorite curse word, and why?”…steve did a spot-on imitation of kathy bates as annie wilkes in “misery“: “he didn’t get out of that COCKADOODIE CARRRR!” …then expounded a little on expressions that cracked him up as a kid: “i wouldn’t give a tin shit!” and “shit or go blind.” …much laughter here. fellow author richard russo deferred answering first, so he could compose himself…and went on to tell a tale of how the “c” word is used commonly in england, much like “bitch” is here. how he called his daughter recently, who works in a family-owned frame shop in london, and her use of the word over the telephone. his kneejerk reaction: shock. then, chuckling, “i am so proud of her!” …thunderous applause.
• stephen king discussing “on writing“, and the Q & A session at the conclusion of the discussion.

 this girl left with a huge shit-eatin grin on her face, and in her very heart.

motivational lithographs

i’ve been framed!

thanQ to my daughter’s friend brett, whom i have never even met,
for this “motivational” frame-up he designed on his myspace!
{not realizing i am actually a GMILF!…chuckle}

being 48 rocks!

e-mails worth reading….

hoping you have the time to read this in its entirety, particularly the response of LK at the end. these guys smucking kill me!  ~ WHYvonne

So- there’s a new Demotivator this week.  It’s called Sanity.  But before I go into any detail about that design, allow me to flash back to around this time last week. You see, to my absolute amazement, our recent issue of the Wailing List generated an outpouring of offended replies from people who apparently find the idea of making fun of Government to be tantamount to blasphemy.  I excerpt an email below for your consideration: Date: Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:22:35 -0400 From: "Allison (REMOVED)" (ally.(REMOVED)@(REMOVED).gov) Subject: Re: The Wailing List - Government To: The Wailing List Your latest design about GOVERNMENT is reprehensible in the extreme!  What are we to infer from it?  That you would prefer anarchy?  Everyone loves to mock the government- right up until the point where they actually need it!  And make no mistake, you (EXPLETIVE REMOVED) need it!   Ever driven on a state highway?  Guess where it came from?  It wasn't built by American Indians!  It was built by your own government! Ever send your children to public school?  Ever call 911 in an emergency? Ever visit a public park?  I'm sure snotty (EXPLETIVE REMOVED) like you wouldn't dare taint yourself by depending on government in such a situation!  Right?! Hey- here's a funny question!   You ever been on a watchlist?  Well, if you haven't, you're about to be.  I'm forwarding your "hilarious" new design to a friend at the DHS who loves to stay abreast of "comedians" who mock government.  One of your call center employees was kind enough to tell me the name of the gentleman who wrote that oh-so-funny Demotivater(sic)-  so please tell Daniel (REMOVED) that his name will be included in my e-mail.  We'll see how funny he thinks it is the next time he tries to hop on a commercial jet!  I think he'll see the exquisite irony of the whole situation right then and there- when he has his no-no zones thoroughly scrutinized by a- wait for it!- A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE!   If you think I'm kidding, think again.  Tell your snarky little coworker Mr. (REMOVED) he ought to read up on "MAIN CORE".  Because it's going to be reading up on HIM in about an hour from now! Sincerely annoyed-as-hell-at-you, Allison (REMOVED)           While this was the most forceful reply I received, it certainly wasn’t the only angry one.  I’m frankly still astonished by the flood of responses.  It was a joke- inspired no doubt by the never-ending parade of political stupidity coming from both houses of Congress and both political parties*.  Only a joke. I have been slowly working my way through replies- but in the case of the above, I forwarded it to Daniel- the author of that particular Demotivator and asked him to respond to the offended customer directly, if he cared to do so. 24 hours later- he had written his reply to the customer- and copied me.  His reply was simply in the form of a picture.  A new Demotivator called Sanity– apparently inspired by the threats of a deeply-offended, big-government loving statist. That design is now available in lithograph and desktopper formats.  And guess what?  The lithograph is available for only $9.95- as are all of our lithographs for the month of August. And- if that wasn’t good enough- I’ve got yet another bit of good news. Overwhelmed with his own feelings of superiority, Daniel also suggested we use offer a coupon code this week for our Superiori-Tee.  If you want to get this tee for $5, simply use the coupon code “nonozone” (no quotes).   This offer is even valid for you, Allison! You may love big government- but given your history of only buying things when we offer super-discounts, I know you love heap big savings** even more!  Why- you ask- are we letting you in on the deal? Because your invocation of the haven’t-heard-it-since-1977 of  “no no zones” led to the biggest explosion of laughter from the writers’ room that I’ve ever heard! No joke! So- there you have it.  A new design- inspired by an angry customer’s response to a recent design- and a great set of discounts on posters and an unprecedented discount on our most popular t-shirt!   (He said, bracing himself for a new flood of email complaints from easily offended parachutists and/or crazy people…) * What- you need examples?  How about corn ethanol subsidies that are causing food riots?  Or $5 trillion added to the public debt a couple of weeks ago in order to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac? Or a Treasury Secretary who- despite statements to the contrary is apparently is a strong proponent of a Flaccid Dollar Policy which is helping to drive up the costs of our gasoline, food, the products Despair manufactures and the shipping charges to get them to you!  What about Alan Greenspan getting paid $100,000 to give speeches to multi-millionaire bankers about the potential for a complete economic meltdown created by- wait for it- Sir Alan Greenspan himself! As he created the world’s greatest economic bubble by lowering interest rates to 1% for ages- while he encouraged Americans to get adjustable-rate-mortgages during his employ at the oh-it-might-as-well-be-a-part-of-our-government the Federal Reserve. (Interest rates were 1%! 1%! WHY should Americans get an adjustable rate mortgage when interest rates were at 50 year lows? Was there some thought that might take rates down to 0%- and you sure wouldn’t want Americans to be locked in at 1% if that happened, Sir Alan?!) Come on- Allison!  I’m a college dropout and I’ve got better sense!  But if you find yourself offended by my comments, don’t bother to call the call center to get my name.  If you feel you have to report me to the DHS for being critical of some of the idiotic government actions I list above- my real name is Lawrence Kersten.  (No relation to the company founder/spokesman by that name…) **  Oh, and by the way, Allison, I’m 1/8th Cherokee Indian by blood- and that 1/8th of me took offense at your cheap comment about the highway system not being built by my people.  I forwarded your comments to my father- who is 1/4th Cherokee (and actually registered with the Cherokee Nation). He was twice as offended as I was but told me to let it go.  “You don’t really have the right to be offended by that, son.  Technically, with 1/8th blood, you’re not really qualified to be.” So I asked him what rights I might enjoy, given I had only a half-of-a-quarter of Cherokee blood.  He said I can’t own a casino and won’t qualify for very many scholarships, but that I could probably get away with using “heap big” every once in a while.  So now I have.  I hope you’ll choose your words more carefully next time. Some of us are easily offended.