Fragile, fractured bird
Afraid of her own shadow
Convinced that every swift movement
Is a cause for concern
Certainly every male with a predatory intention,
sensing a weak resolve,
Will seek her out for his own self-elevation
Not alone by choice, lonely
Alone of her own volition, lost
Huddled in a tight ball of her own wings
Protecting herself….
Like no one else can.
yesterday was Mother’s Day; tomorrow would have been your 75th birthday.
I stood at your gravesite yesterday, and marveled at how lost I felt.
you’ve only been Gone From Me for 122 days. not that I’m counting…but it seems a marker…a placeholder in my life, to gauge the passage of time.
mine is a Complicated Grief, they tell me…since ours was a Complicated Relationship. when you Crossed Over, any hope of us ever having a true, nurturing relationship, died with you.
I keep trying to remind myself that yours was not an easy life…in part because you suffered through so many tragedies at so young an age: with John dying, then baby Shawn, and your father, all within 2 years of each other. such a huge series of losses…and I believe you were only 27. also in part because you chose such an unhappy path, and many unhealthy life choices. it is not my place to judge you, but you HAVE TO KNOW that I was always THAT GIRL, standing, stuck, in the greeting card aisle year after year on Mother’s Day…at a loss since Hallmark didn’t produce cards that spoke my truth.
life is complicated, and messy, and God knows all that and loves us anyway. I am sad that you never sought professional grief counseling after your Trinity of Loss. I am angry that you sought solace in drink, and couldn’t see the pain and devastation you wrought. I am bereft that you couldn’t be the Mother that I needed….ever.
but today, I am just crestfallen that this little girl doesn’t have her Mama anymore.
love, and peace,
yvonne elizabeth
122 days since you left.
I’m writing you a letter now.
I love you.
your little girl,
yvonne
dark and dimming
so hopelessly sans hope,
you tried your hand again
what can i do for you? my plaintive wail
“put me back in your womb.”
helpless, shaking, spun around
feelings overwhelm and
i coccoon myself…
saturated with details
meetings, and calls
playing the game,
repeating your name
it’s all the same
i am here for you.
i fight for you, i comfort you
i cry for you, would die for you.
but who will save me?
conflicted, northampton
on holiday from this and many other things…
please excuse me while i try to figure out just exactly whatthephuck i think i’m doing. because, seriously, i thought i knew…
yes, i have been absent. just a little too much going on in this life at present. i am frustrated over my inability/unwillingness/demotivation to express myself either through this venue, or visually as an artist.
a tiny spark has emerged through my association with massscribes, and their incredibly talented members. also some bright shiny spots have weaved themselves into my very soul due to my recently renewed reunion with former classmates who still practice the fine arts. i am at once in awe and more than somewhat intimidated
…but reflexively retreat rather than create.
i visualize a million tiny pieces of me, hurtling into space.
i am disappointed in my apparent lack of ability to dissociate emotionally and be more captain spock-like, capable of critical and logical thought, without all the complications of feelings.
and why ~ oh why ~ does my horrorscope have to be so SPOT ON today ?!?!
Whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, there is a child inside of you who needs tending, dear Leo. You are all grown up, and proud of who you have become. And well you should be. But we are all the sum total of who we once were. Today’s planetary positions suggest that you spend some time acknowledging the various parts of your past. That includes the good parts as well as the not-so-good parts. It is only after you have integrated all these different elements of yourself that you can truly be the person you are meant to be.
look for a post soon on my upcoming meeting with the king!, or my mother’s recent heart surgery, my collaboration on a book!, laying down some vocals with an old friend; or my new hiking and volleyball adventures…{giggle}…but certainly not the upcoming mindphuck which is the presidential election.
until then, i remain…
perplexed,
what lies within 